Mens 2's v South berks 2's
Plan comes together
Dick of The Day was a done deal a mere twenty minutes after the meet time when Ned Squire optimistically believed he was playing a home game and turned up at Sonning Hockey Club wondering where the rest of his team were. A short dash and a hasty change whilst Simon explained tactics pre-game was admirably and eloquently summed up by Sonning’s captain Colm Hanlon: ‘Ned, you’re a ******’. After a warm up that was shorter than Tufty’s premature ****** record, Sonning made their start by pressing well and creating chances. Their press meant that they were playing most of their game in The South Berkshire half and a significant amount in the dee. The press was more effective than in previous weeks but The Sonning Curse of giving away ****easy balls was still not completely lifted. Periods of sustained pressure allowed Captain Colm Hanlon to plant a flick past South Berkshire keeper to put Sonning ahead. Colm was heard to modestly state at half time ‘I’ve never flicked a ball that well in my life’. South Berkshire then decided that the only possible explanation for them losing must be because Ed Mclown(is that how you spell his surname?)’s shirt was a slightly different shade of blue to the rest of his team. It couldn’t possibly be because they were up against a better side. After a fair amount of ***** Tufty decided to try and calm the situation down and both teams were blown away by his diplomatic prowess: ‘Oi, clever ****. That’s not gonna work is it? Cos then we’ll have two players with the same number’. Play resumed and whilst Sonning were the better side, long balls were still finding their way through to some quick and dangerous-looking South Berkshire strikers and Sonning were still looking vulnerable at the back with Adam MaCarthy making an un-characteristically good save (not being captain anymore clearly suits him). A stunning (some might say unbelievably jammy) off-the-line save from a South Berkshire defender meant that one-trick-pony Tim ‘drag-flick’ Preston will have further questions asked about his contract at the club but luckily the other Ed (whose surname I can’t even remember) managed to bury a second rebound from a short corner. Sonning walked into half-time two goals to the good and further sound advice from coach Simon Briscoe (I’m just **** guessing with these surnames now) was to keep putting in the hard yards as the oppo were looking dangerous on the break. After Simon left, things went to****** and South Berkshire carved up the Sonning defence several times to score a well-earned goal. One gob**** South Berkshire striker aptly named ‘**** decided that if the ball was too far ahead of him then his best bet was to dive on the floor and swear at the umpire. Whilst this did gain him a yellow card on one occasion, he was neatly cleaned out by Adam MaCarthy on another and awarded a flick. Whilst opinion was divided as to whether this should have been a flick or not, it is fair to say that MaCarthy’s past record for cleaning players out in his own dee isn’t exactly clean. The team gathered for some wise words from veteran hero and Scottish Ambassador Mark Dobson (sod the spelling, is that even Dobbie’s real name? I always just call him Dobbie…) who gave simple instructions to stop having a meltdown and keep the ball blue. Everyone took these words to heart except for Tufty who was still bitching to the umpire. Keeper MaCarthy was unlucky not to save the penalty flick as he got a decent touch on it but the damage was done and South Berkshire had drawn level. Sonning responded with some excellent building play and were certainly winning the fitness war against The South Berkshire defence and midfield even if they were having less joy against their ***** Energizer Bunny strikers. Some short passing down the right saw Colm get his second goal of the day to pull Sonning ahead again. However a ridiculously fast break from South Berkshire after a failed Sonning short corner saw them slide a second past MaCarthy to draw level. Ed (whose surname I can’t remember) demonstrated poor work rate to lose his man in the Sonning dee, the fact that he had already tracked him the length of the pitch from the opposite dee is largely irrelevant and no excuse. After Matthew Denholm aka Tom Daley missed an open goal opportunity, Gaz Lappin demonstrated his strong striker pedigree by scoring Sonning a winner [Neil socred not]. Sonning WERE the better side on the day and deserved the three points but will need to be careful to shore up the gaps in their press for the future.
MOM – Colm Hanlon (Beer - Guinness)
DOD – Ned Squire
This matched report has been redacted for public decency