Will this match report be published? 2's v West Hampstead

So – seeing as the first and only match report for the 2s was taken down hours after being put up by the Sonning ‘Political Correctness Police’ (or PCP as they are now known). I thought we would try again. I mean, who knew that the whole world could see it! On the basis you pretty much have to produce your blood type to register on the club website we assumed this was only visible to members. I didn’t write the report (he who shall not be named, but is a teacher and recently got dumped by his girlfriend, so is a little bitter was responsible.) He didn’t play this week - so this report will be with less northern swearing and may stand a chance of making it to print.
So, after Tring made Poosie shout a lot last week and they beat us convincingly we had to contend with West Hampstead away. We put Dobbie in charge of sat nav as you would incorrectly assume that a man responsible for the largest e-commence web site in the world (that’s computers for the less 20th century people amongst us) would get us there safely. You were wrong. After driving through parts of London non of us would like to live in (expect Radar) and a slight detour we arrived in a ‘Prison Break’ school complex.

If any other teams ever want to see a Sonning warm up just check out the school cc TV as it’s everywhere and recorded all areas we went. Neil actually had a little stage fright having a pre-game wee in case it was caught on camera and Dobbie decided to hold it in all game. Happy to return to our kit after Mrs Squires to be (Side note 1: they are buying a house together so its serious and he is batting well above his average there) kept an eye on it, we start the game happy. A slight change to team this week with Calum (Side note 2: How old is he by the way? I can’t work out if he is young and looks old or is old and looks young) returning and Jamie dropping back to a defence we started brightly. The usual 2’s stuff, loads of possession, circle penetrations then 5 minutes of oh this is easy, the game started to settle.

We were actually playing nice hockey with Sharpy, Neil, Dobbie, Huw, Coln etc all looking bright. West Hampstead realised this and started to play the longer ball to their less talented and good looking forwards and the game came a little end to end. We then forced a series of short corners. This started the pattern of Sharpy flicking everyone into the keeper, which you will be happy to know lasted through-out the entire game. (Side note 3:- post game we had every excuse possible for not scoring having had about 20 tries. Excuses ranged from humidity, wind, the wrong type of leaves on the pitch and anything he could elaborately come up with to avoid the fact he was crap (Is crap allowed in a match report PCP?) we eventually scored. As you can guess this wasn’t Sharpy, it was Sonning’s version of Peter Crouch, ‘Huw (young reverse stick yoda) Thomas. Let’s put this into context. Who strikes a short corner first time on the reverse? Who does, Huw does! (Like what I did there?). Boom.

Our celebration was short lived as our defence felt that anyone that lives in this area of London needs help and decided to have a 5 minute spell of passing the ball back to them. The law of averages and new world record of not clearing the ball in our D soon made the game 1 -1. Crap (PCP?).

10 minutes to go in the first half Calum decided to show Sharpy how to lift a ball into space and threw a squarariel. The defender cocked up (PCP?) and a quick restart saw a good link up between Poults and the non stop running Squires down the line. Poults played a sublime under the shoulder pass to Sharpy on the top of the D who wisely decided not to attempt another failed drag flick and swept the ball bottom right of the goal. Now you would assume no more déjà vu of passing back the ball back to them. You were wrong. (Mac, Déjà vu means a repeat of previous events in case you are struggling – oh by the way their keeper was French and he was very good and had a great game. He must be the only good thing to come out of France, other than champagne. Side note 4:- We are not condoning alcohol PCP, we are sportsman). Anyway. It was pretty much a repeat of the first West Hampstead goal. Grimmer, Jamie, Calum (I equally blame them as a forward) trying to get maximum return on match fee and not clearing the ball. 2 -2. Bugger (PCP?).

Half time we discussed the weather, the good quality jelly babies provided, who had fallen over the most and a little hockey. This seemed to work, as second half we were much more in control and pressing the WH goal (can’t be bothered to write West Hampstead any more). Well, I say we were more in control. We were, expect when Mike had the ball. When he did, we all got a little bored of his commentary to the umpires of whether or not it was the most clinical foul ever seen on a pitch or the bloke just made a good tackle. (Side note 5:- 98% of the time it was the latter and we all just got bored). Anyway the game was finally sealed by a moment of soon to be hockey folk law. Poults received the ball just outside the circle. Maybe beat 5 or 6 players (we lost count) and unleashed one of the greatest reverse stick shots ever seen. Narrowly missing the keepers head it fired into the roof of the net. Cue much celebration and WH actually changing the ball at the push back. (Side note 6:- they said it was because it was too dirty. The truth was no hockey ball had ever been hit that hard).

The remaining 15 minutes saw Sonning do the usual. Colm not scoring a goal that a blind one armed hockey player could have (PCP?), Dobbie producing a series of legendary stick blocks, Squires running everywhere and putting us all to shame and Mike continuing to bore us with his commentary of the game. Oh and Mac made a couple of good saves! Two other things happened. 1, Squires hit a beautiful ball goal bound shot only to hit Mike in the leg (Karma?) and then 2, Mike got sent off (Karma) and we played the last few minutes resolutely with Neil (he does have a ginger / grey beard and looks a little like Radar clean shaved) putting in some good tackles to keep the 3 points.

Much relief – not only with the 3 points but at the fact all of our cars had all of their wheels when we returned. As WH club house is in the equivalent distance to Norfolk from where we were, we all decided to see how Radar felt after every game and didn’t shower and headed home. Which was a result, as I have got away without paying match fees. A quick detour to McDonalds for our car saw Dobbie have a Big Mac and a McFlurry for desert – (Side note 7: PCP we are not endorsing fast food. We are sportsman).

Next week we have Wallingford. A team full of Hugo’s, Rogers and posh people. Onwards and upwards.

Disclaimer:- This match report does not reflect the views of Sonning Hockey club, it is the authors. Please do not sue us or call us nasty names. We do not condone alcohol, fast food or northern people. Your home may be at risk if you do not keep up repayments, you will be put on a mailing list unless you click here blah blah. (PCP is this ok to make sure we are covered?)

Oh - Stats update. Sharpy and I ran approx 10k each according to our fitness chips. Check that out!